"In dog years. I'm dead!"

"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all!"

"Eat right, exercise - die anyway."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

"Being "Over the hill" is much better than being under it!"

"I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . ."

"I'm smiling all the time. Because I can't hear a word you are saying."

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like."

Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's the first time in your life you don't care what time it is?

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

Employment applications always ask who to notify in case
of an emergency. I think you should write 'A Good Doctor' or '911'

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

At my age flowers scare me.

Old age comes at a bad time.

Whenever I feel blue. I just start breathing again!

Forget health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get!

Retired. Now I can do what I want. As long as it's near a bathroom.

You know your getting old when...  Your back goes out more than you!

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Be nice to your kids. They will pick your nursing home.

My teeth are my own. I have the receipt.

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

Retired not Expired!

"You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M.D. after them."

Did you read the latest book by Dr. Jerry Atriks? "He who laughs, lasts."

"You know you're getting old when "Getting a little action" means I don't need fiber today.

"You know you're getting old when "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.