House Rules

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still four of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won’t help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years... feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a toy  or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other people laugh.

8. My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify Shadow, Mr. Thirsty, Sophia and Lawrence, I have posted the following message on the front door:

 

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About My Pets:

 

1. They live here; you don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

4. To you it’s an animal. To me, it’s an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, are arguably easier to train, usually come when called, don’t ask for money, never ask for the keys to the car, don’t hang out with losers, don’t drink or smoke, and don’t worry about the latest fashions.

Background Midi: Memory, from Cats