The Pope’s Songs

When I was a Lad I had a Run and

I am the monarch of... Christianity

 

From

The Jolly Clerics of Rome, or,

The Lass that Loved a Priest (2005)

 

After Sir William Schwenck Gilbert

 

Scene:--Papal Apartments in the Vatican. Clerics, led by Canon, discovered copying documents, reading theological works etc.

 

Dramatis Personae: His Holiness Pope John Paul III (Bishop of Rome), Archbishop Mendoza (Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith), Friar Tuck (an order priest) Mathew Mendicant (a peripatetic priest), Cardinal Error (A Vatican Apparatchik), Diana (John Paul III’s first cousin), Pope’s Sisters, his Cousins, his Aunts, Priests, Monks etc.

 

Time: The Present

 

SONG:

 

John Paul III:--When I was a lad I had a run

Manning an antiaircraft gun

I wore the uniform of the Hitler Youth

And polished up my barrel sitting on a fact’ry roof

I polished up that barrel so carefulee

That now I am the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

CHORUS:--He polished up the barrel so carefulee

That now he is the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

John Paul III:--In the Hitler Youth I was a quiet lad

So the army gave me the best job on the front they had

At last I ran away and avoided the task

So that what I did, no one bothers to ask.

I ran away so courageously

That now I am the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

CHORUS:--He ran away so courageously

That now he is the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

John Paul III:--After the war I had such a clean slate

To take me at the seminary they didn't hesitate;

A cassock and a cope fit me in a handsome way

That I looked so fine on my ordination day

And that ordination did so well for me

That now I am the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

CHORUS:--And that ordination did so well for he

That now he is the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

[Note: subtle rôle transition from John Paul III to Joseph]

 

John Paul III:--In theology I gained a tolerable understanding

That soon I became a Professor most demanding.

And that toleration, I'll give you your due,

Was the only toleration I ever knew.

But that toleration so suited me,

That now I am the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

CHORUS:--But that toleration so suited he,

That now he is the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

John Paul III:--I grew so adept at beating down dissent

That for a Cardinal’s hat to Rome I went.

There I acted at my boss's call,

And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.

I thought so little that they rewarded me

By making me the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

CHORUS:--He thought so little that they rewarded he

By making him the ruler of Earthly Christianity!

 

John Paul III:--Now church and laymen all, whoever you may be,

If you want to rise to the top of the tree,

If an independent conscience is not a thing you use,

Then let yourself be guided by this single muse--

Never think for yourself and always act deferentially,

And you may be rulers of Earthly Christianity!

 

CHORUS:--Never think for yourself and always act deferentially,

And you may be rulers of Earthly Christianity!

-- after W. S. Gilbert

[HMS Pinafore - Act 1]