Alternate meanings for common words...

from The Washington Post

A little of this... and a little of that...

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words...

Alphabetically, the winners are:

1. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

2. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

3. Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.

4. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

5. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

6. Dopeler effect (n.), The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

7. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

8. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run

over by a steamroller.

10. Foreploy (n.), Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.

11. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

12. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

13. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

14. Glibido (n.), All talk and no action.

15. Hipatitis (n.), Terminal coolness.

16. Ignoranus (n.), A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

17. Inoculatte (n.), To take coffee intravenously.

18. Inspissator (n.), one who inspires covert micturation.

19. Intaxication (n.), Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

20. Karmageddon (n.), It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

21. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

22. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

23. Osteopornosis (n.), A degenerate disease.

24. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

25. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.

26. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

26. Reintarnation (n.), Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

27. Sarchasm (n.), The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

28. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.

29. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

30. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.