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Festivals of
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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they’re
serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s
even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s
not as if you’re going to turn into an
egg-nog-a-holic or something. It’s a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s
later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the
volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s
skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people’s food for free. Lots of
it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.
7. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the time for long naps, which you’ll
need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of
food and that vat of eggnog.
8. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re
like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re
never going to see them again.
9. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don’t like mincemeat, have two
apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labour Day?
10. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards.
11. One final tip: If you don’t feel
terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t
been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: “Life
should NOT be a journey to the
grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming
‘WOO HOO what a ride!’
”
Background Midi:
From Oliver! - Food, Glorious Food!
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