FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
Yuletide Office Parties
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm
happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have
a small band playing traditional carols . . .feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
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FROM:
Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In
no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
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FROM:
Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding
the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...
you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only" you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
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FROM:
Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of
year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the rest rooms. Did I miss anything?
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FROM:
Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So
December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. What do you expect
me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's
prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping"
employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks. Okay???
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FROM:
Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People,
people, nothing sinister was intended by having our
CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does
happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own
"little
man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at
Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts
on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
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FROM:
Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going
to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad
bar, including hydro phonic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings,
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm
hearing them scream right now!
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FROM:
Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm
sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
the 23rd off with full pay.
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It is interesting to note that December 23 is the occasion -- and for some the opportunity -- to observe Festivus, for the rest of us!
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